Chapter 4 – The Wound

[Jerry Wierwille]

Quotes
“There comes a time when we simply have to face the challenges in our lives and stop backing down.” (p. 61)

“Until a man knows he’s a man he will forever be trying to prove he is one, while at the same time shrink back from anything that might reveal he is not. Most men live their lives haunted by the question, or crippled by the answer they’ve been given.” (p. 62)

“Masculinity is bestowed.” (p. 62)

“Implicit in the invitation is the affirmation, ‘You can handle it; you belong here.’” (p. 65)

“One thing about the assault wounds – they are obvious. The passive wounds are not; they are pernicious, like a cancer.” (p. 70)

“Men either overcompensate for their wound and become driven (violent men), or they shrink back and go passive (retreating men).” (p. 73)

“Many men feel stuck─either paralyzed and unable to move, or unable to stop moving.” (p. 75)

Response
Every man finds himself facing the question in life of whether he is a man, whether he has proven himself, whether he has passed the test. But if he never gets an answer to that question, he will forever be seeking to obtain the answer. He will look and look and try to find out if he is a man. If he does not have the answer, he will refrain from pursuing activities that demonstrate he is not one, and will be consumed with striving to find out if he is one.

According to Eldredge, the difficulty that many men face is that masculinity is not something they can discover for themselves. It is something that is bestowed upon them. It is something they are are recognized for. Masculinity is something that has to be given to you. What has happened is that father’s have not bestowed masculinity upon their sons. And thus, “the deepest wound is always given by the father” (p. 69).

When someone insults you, it is a direct assault on your honor as an individual. But it is the passive wounds that are not explicitly launched at a man that he incurs which are the most difficult to heal. Eldredge asserts that most men are living out “a false self” in response to their wound. Men will either overcompensate or withdraw. Either way, they will not embrace life the way God intended them to. They will be stuck in the wrong way of life − “paralyzed and unable to move, or unable to stop moving” (p. 75).

[David Enniss]

Shortly after reading this chapter, one day I was at a park reading this book. Off in the distance I saw a couple young boys playing on some of the park statues with their grandfather observing. The older one jumped up straddling atop of the cow statue with a single leap. Right after he succeeded in his attempt, his head shot straight toward his grandfather. “Well done, son!” he exclaimed.
I have seen and experienced this countless times. It is amazing how a youth’s heart is hardwired to seek affirmation from a father figure.
“The ancient societies believe that a boy becomes a man only through ritual and effort–only through the ‘active intervention of the older men.'” (p. 67)
In today’s time, I believe society regards academic education as the standard unit of maturity. In our society a person is expected to attend grade school and complete it at the age of 18. Notice how an individual is considered an “adult” when he reaches this age. It seems to have been established legally. Once 18 years old, you are no longer a minor. You are free to make legal decisions for yourself. If it isn’t education, then maybe it is just age. But a certain arbitrary age or educational status has no bearing on maturity in terms of what Eldredge discusses.

[David Enniss]

What Eldredge describes in the section “The Father-Wound” where an individual is in one manner or another, unaccepted by his father. Eldredge distinguishes the wounds into two categories: Assault and passive. I think a better set of terms would be direct and indirect. Direct wounds include verbal and/or physical abuse, and they directly and intentionally injure the heart of a person. Indirect wounds are usually unintentional. They usually happen when a father is uninvolved, absent or silent; not there.

Over the years, both direct and indirect wounds deliver crippling messages to the youths’ heart.

I should note that in the newer edition of this book, Eldredge adds a sentence after “So there is no crossing through this country without taking a wound.” “They may come from other sources: a brother, uncle, coach, or stranger, but come they do.” “And every wound whether it’s assaultive or passive, delivers with it a message.” These messages are ultimately lies about life and ourselves that the Adversary wants us to believe. From these messages, we begin to form our beliefs (assumptions) about life and our self. This is where our internal faculty for self-preservation reacts to these and begins to seek equilibrium to these new “life assumptions.” The product of this process is what Eldredge describes as our False-self. There are many avenues from which this false-self can be developed, but note that they are always based out of fear. We may understand this as the “old man nature;” it is unique to each individual.

This is an excellent chapter to reread, study, and begin asking questions about yourself. Use each example that he explains to compare to your own character and behavior. Now’s the time to begin journaling these connections. Also, you will want to start thinking about your story. What were these defining experiences that you encountered through your life (most of which occur in childhood)? With these experiences, what were the wounds? What were the messages? What did you learn from them? What sort of vows did you make to yourself? Such as, “Never again, will I….” From here, and in later chapters, you’ll be able to recognize what your own false-selves are. This is where the hard part begins; the real work; the real wrestling match.

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