Chapter 3 – Dynamic

[Jerry Wierwille]

Quotes
“Some seasons happen because of choices you make; others arrive unexpectedly and uninvited.” (p. 48)

“People aren’t static; they’re dynamic – endlessly complex and capable of tremendous surprise and change.” (p. 50)

“To be married is to be joined at the deepest levels of your being with someone who is both known and unknown, predictable and surprising.” (p. 51)

“When you get married you’re starting a conversation that never ends.” (p. 53)

“If there isn’t enough distance between you, you can easily lose your sense of identity. You can find your life too absorbed in the life of another.” (p. 57)

“Triggers are words, phrases, and reminders that feed our fears and vulnerabilities and insecurities.” (p. 60)

“In the middle of a conflict when things are heated and both of us are saying things we don’t mean. I tend to slip into thinking This is who he is rather than This is the exception.” (p. 61)

“You know there’s an issue behind the issue when your reaction is way out of proportion to whatever it is you’re fighting about.” (p. 62)

“You discover in marriage that when you’re talking about money, you’re talking about lots of other things. And the more quickly you can identify those other things, the better.” (p. 66-67)

“You can continually remind each other that it’s just money, and you can remind each other that nobody gets it right every time because you never stop figuring it out.” (p. 68)

Response
Listening and allowing yourself to be shaped by another’s perspective is not surrendering or yielding or caving in, it is broadening, expanding, and enriching what you know. So many times disagreements and subsequent fights are a product of an unwillingness to let go of your superiority complex. Defensive mode will always bring out parts of you that you wish were never there, but nonetheless are. And worst yet, by engaging in defensive mode and pulling out your big guns, you approve of wounding the other person for the sake of your viewpoint, sometimes causing injury (to their soul) in the most powerful and detrimental ways possible. Rarely does a person ever feel good walking away from an argument where they just dropped a nuclear bomb on the emotional/psychological health of a person, especially when it is a person they love.

If something is not working between you and the other person (spouse, significant other, etc.), and you have a disagreement and cannot come to an immediate resolution, it is a sure trip down the road to heartache to look at it like it is a failure. What we all must recognize about committed relationships (esp. marriage) is that the whole concept is about trying to figure life out with this other person who is also committed to trying to figure it out too. If both people realize that the journey is about figuring it out, and figuring him or her out, then the focus will be less on you and more on “we”. “Honesty can be terrifying. If you actually sit down and listen, you may hear things that are hard to hear. It takes courage to be honest, and it also takes courage to listen” (p. 70).

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