Chapter 2 – Responsive

[Jerry Wierwille]

Quotes
“To keep this energy field full of life and vitality, you intentionally act for their well-being.” (p. 22)

“There’s a back and forth, a give and take that happens when you zimzum.” (p. 24)

“You have to know what it looks like for them to thrive: you have to be aware of their goals and dreams; you have to know what they want and what they need and what makes them feel secure and what makes them happy and fulfilled.” (p. 25)

“Whatever history and baggage and issues you bring to your marriage, they now belong to both of you because when you get married, whatever is yours is now ours.” (p. 29)

“Taking care of yourself is one of the best gifts you can give the person you are married to.” (p. 30)

“Sometimes the problem is you.” (p. 31)
“Love, if it’s going to last, always involves sacrifice.” (p. 36)

“Love – with spark, substance, and sacrifice all together – is a cumulative phenomenon.” (p. 41)

Response
Scorecards are one of a relationship’s worst enemies. They will poison the space between you and the other person and turn you both against each other. What I have found to be true in personal experience and in the numerous testimonies of friends and couple’s I have counseled is that resentment is the death-knell of love in a relationship. Nothing is more powerful to block your flow of energy to the other person and more disruptive to your own emotional health.

“Scorecard fights” tend to not have much substantial logic behind them because they typically stem from reactions to events rather than contemplative decisions about them.

Break the cycle by looking into their eyes and saying:
I am for you.
I’ve got your back.
I am committed to your best.
Help me understand things from your perspective.
What can we do together to change things? (p. 35)

There is something unexplainable that transitions in our hearts when we know that someone is for us. It is as though the infantry we have called to the battlefield are told they get a furlough today. We lower our defenses and are inclined to accept the invitation to the barracks for a cup of tea.

Spark love vs. substance love vs. sacrifice love: “Spark comes and goes, but substance is always there. Substance endures” (p. 37). Spark and substance throw wood on the fire but sacrifice is what stokes the fire and keeps it red hot. “Love always leads to sacrifice” (p. 39).

What we all must understand is that life and our relationship with other people is never out of reach, too far gone, or beyond help. Everything we do affects the space between you and the other person. Our choices either feed positive constructive energy into that space and toward the other person, or negative destructive energy. We need to constantly ask ourselves, “What sort of space am I building?”

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